THE VAMPIRE HANDBOOK, featuring bonus reads: The Zombie Handbook and the Were-Thing Handbook. No one is spared in this one: The Twilight Saga, Casey Anthony, Justin Bieber, Anthony Wiener, Kim Kardashian and more...So, after a painstakingly long soul-searching (at least five minutes) and after grappling with the possible fate of your immortal soul (who cares if you're not going to die, anyway), you've decided to become a vampire.
Congratulations!
But before beginning that dark and shadowed journey into a life of eternal damnation, every vampire is required to read THE VAMPIRE HANDBOOK, a short step-by-step guide to becoming a vampire and then adjusting to the bloodsucking lifestyle.
Some of the helpful tips in this handbook include: Rules for Living an Environmentally Friendly and Urbane, Undead Lifestyle, Dietary Restrictions for Vampires, Engaging in Battles with Other Immortals, Rules for Fitting into Society and not Scaring off Potential Meals and much more...
In addition to THE VAMPIRE HANDBOOK, you will also get THE WERE/SHAPE-SHIFTER HANDBOOK and THE ZOMBIE HANDBOOK as well as a few sample chapters from PJ Jone's sparkly vampire parody, ROMANCE NOVEL.
BUY IN KINDLE *** READ THE EXCERPT
Excerpt:
ENGAGING IN BATTLE WITH OTHER IMMORTALS
It is not recommended that vampires engage in physical violence with other immortal races, as vampires could get their heads knocked off a, wnd risk the possibility of an eternity in hell. However, as this rarely happens, this advisory is of little consequence. Everyone knows vampires are the most bad-ass immortals alive…er dead. However, should a battle ensue, it’s essential that vampires know the proper procedures for defending themselves.
HOW TO BATTLE WEREWOLVES, OR SHAPE-SHIFTERS, OR WHATEVER IN THE HELL THEY ARE: Since were-animals are usually from the poor, shitty areas of town, it is safe to assume that they are also uneducated and easily manipulated. However, their ignorance can also make them more dangerous. It is highly recommended that every vampire carry several marijuana joints in his/her pocket at all times for this reason. Usually, the were-animal can be easily calmed with a few hits of pot. If drugs do not soothe the savage beast, depending on the size of the monster, the vampire’s best option is to run like hell. Because Hell is exactly where the vampire will be heading if the vampire is decapitated by the animal.
ZOMBIES: Zombies are usually pretty easy to outrun as they walk at an unusually slow pace and vampires have an unnatural ability to run faster than a jackrabbit on speed. Since most zombies have the IQ of a peanut, it’s best to run from them as well. Remember, ignorance is dangerous. No matter how slow a zombie may be, no immortal can top the brute strength of a zombie’s crushing grip.
WITCHES AND WIZARDS: Run like hell from them, too. They can fly really fast on broomsticks and they know magic. Besides, there is a certain witch and wizard saga that is way more literary and entertaining than a certain vampire saga; therefore; you suck. They win. Shut up and run.
ALL OTHER IMMORTALS: Run from them, too. Let’s face it. As a vampire, it’s your job to look sexy in leather pants. You’re attractive. You’re urbane. Do you really want to be on the receiving end of a wooden stake? Probably not. Just get the hell out of Dodge, or PitchForks, or whatever city your pansy ass haunts at nights, and leave the real fighting to the monsters who never get laid.
LOVED THE EXCERPT?? CLICK HERE TO BUY IN KINDLE
No comments:
Post a Comment