WHERE THERE'S SMOKE by Karen Kelley

WHERE THERE'S SMOKE by Karen Kelley

When sexy wannabe-demon, Destiny Carter, is kicked out of Hell, she lands in Ft. Worth, Texas with one week to corrupt a soul. Or else. She slips into a slinky red dress, and heads straight for the delicious, corruptible looking cowboy at the bar.

But Chance Bellew has his own agenda-saving souls. He's not your typical angel. He’s a nephilim, to be exact. Centuries ago, angels came down from Heaven and mated with mortal women. When the women bore children, a new race was created. Immortals with powers—demigods, nephilim.

But the children don’t live by the same rules as mortals, or that of the typical, robe-wearing, bright light-surrounding-them angels. Hell, most of the time the nephilim are breaking the rules, and making up new ones as they go. As long as they don’t cross over to the dark side, everyone pretty much stays out of their way.

But sometimes a demon-in-training, who looks like Destiny, comes along and all Hell breaks loose.

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Chapter 1

Destiny Carter was six years old when she had the first inkling that her life wouldn't be a fairy tale. That was the day her mother left her in a grocery store and never came back. Destiny was right, her life went downhill from there. Bad foster homes, bad boyfriends, and really, really bad choices.

Then she died and went to Hell.

Until she was kicked out.

Destiny landed on the sidewalk with a hard thump.

"Son of a bitch!" She grimaced as she came to her feet, rubbing her hands over her tender backside. She was probably the first person ever to get kicked out of Hell. Temporarily, that is.
Hysterical laughter bubbled inside her, but she quickly tamped it down. She was not going to lose what little bit of sanity she had left. She would get through this like she did everything else, by gritting her teeth and doing what she had to do.

All is not lost. Just take a deep breath.

She inhaled.

Ugh! Her nose twitched as a god-awful stench filled her space. She glanced down the deserted street. Faded army-green painted letters on a shabby storefront window proclaimed it as Ft. Worth's finest resale shop.

Oh hell, she'd landed close to the stockyards in Ft. Worth, Texas, but this wasn't Billy Bob's. No, skid-row bars and vacant buildings lined both sides of the street.

Could her day get any worse?

Not that she had anything against Texas, except it was hot as hell. The dry heat was not helping her mood.

"I couldn't manage to steal one more soul?" she grumbled.

Okay, so she wasn't the best salesperson in the underworld. Why didn't that lawyer just sign on the dotted line? He insisted on reading the fine print and before she knew it, poof, he was gone. One more soul and she would've been a full-fledged demon with all the rights and privileges of that position-like drinking, gambling, and lots of sex.

"Sex," she breathed on a sigh as she slowly combed her fingers through her long, black hair. Naked, straining bodies. Hands touching, caressing. She bit her bottom lip and forced the vision to go far, far away before she grabbed the grungy-looking bum leaning against the vacant store front and had her way with him.

She grimaced. Maybe she wasn't that hard up. But Destiny did really miss sex. Everything about her life might have been lousy, but never the sex. And right now she was so horny she figured she'd start sprouting a pair any time, except people at the trainee level couldn't grow a set of horns to save their lives.

Now she was one step farther from her goal. The ones in charge were really pissed, but at least they had given her another chance, and new orders: corrupt someone and drag the unwitting person back to Hell. She had one week to do it or else. Why the fuck had they tacked on "or else"? What were they going to do? Send her to Hell?

Okay, shake it off. Getting kicked out was only a minor glitch. She could take a soul in less than a week. A moment of panic sent a shiver down her spine and her bravado drained away. Who was she kidding? Only dying souls caught between Heaven and Hell were sent to the sorting station. Her job was to convince them Hell was their best choice. She didn't have to search them out. Nothing ever went right for her in life. Why did she think being dead would change things?

No, she could do this. She would survive.

A flashing neon sign suddenly caught her attention when one of the bulbs popped and blew out. THE STOMPIN' GROUND. A bar. Her mouth watered. Demons-in-training weren't allowed to drink, or do much of anything on the job, and they were always on the job. One drink wouldn't hurt, and a bar would be a good place to start looking for a corruptible soul. In fact, it was her duty to go inside and check the place out.

A slow smile curved her lips as she slid her hands slowly over her body and the plain, butt-ugly, black wool uniform shift became a tight-fitting, low-cut, fuck-me red dress that shimmered with each slow, seductive step she took. Yeah, she was bad. Life made her that way. That's why she went straight to Hell. You never saw a good girl in Hell.

The bum's mouth dropped open. He looked at his wrinkled brown paper sack that obviously held a bottle of booze, then back at her. She grinned and winked. He tipped the bottle to his mouth, guzzling down more alcohol.

"See you in Hell," she muttered.

Destiny made her way to the bar, then pushed on the door, stepping inside the cool, dimly lit interior. As soon as her eyes adjusted, she glanced around. A haze of cigarette smoke formed a gray cloud above the patrons.

Slim pickings. Only a handful of people sat at tables.

Two worn out hookers were strategically positioned close to the door. Too easy. They already had Hell stamped on their foreheads. Destiny wanted to impress the powers that be. Used-up hookers would not make an impact on them.

A couple of men sat at another table deep in conversation about a stupid football game. Not bad looking. Wedding rings glinted on their fingers. Married. Too much trouble.

Hmm... But the demons might be impressed.

Before she could take a step toward them the bathroom door opened, spilling a patch of light into the bar. Two laughing women joined the men at their table. Scratch that idea. Two was company, four was a crowd.

There was a lively group of barely legal college boys chugging pitchers of beer. Hmm, certainly corruptible. From the way they were dressed, they were definitely slumming. One guy glanced her way, eyes practically bugging out.

Oh hell, was that drool? No thanks!

Someone put money in the jukebox and a slow country song began to play. For a moment, she let the deep voice of the singer wash over her. She didn't even mind that he was crooning about his cheating wife and losing himself in a bottle of whiskey. Damn, she missed being alive.

Her gaze languidly drifted around the rest of the room, past dark walls with posters of country singers plastered all over them. The bartender wiped a damp cloth across one end of the bar.
Destiny's eyes narrowed as she sized him up. The potential was there.

He raised his head, saw her, then smiled. The kind of smile that made her feel good all over. He wasn't bad looking, in a good-old-boy sort of way.

Destiny drew in a deep breath as she readied herself for a full assault, but at the last minute a movement at the other end of the bar caught her eye.

A lone cowboy sat on one of the stools nursing a beer, his back to her. He wore a black T-shirt that deliciously hugged his broad shoulders. Her gaze dropped. The jeans weren't bad, either.
Nope, not bad at all. The guy had a great ass from this angle. Sweet! Cowboy had just enough muscles that he created a fantasy, but not enough that she would be in competition with his ego.

He turned and looked her way, his gaze sliding sensuously over her body. Tingles of excitement tickled her spine. She had such a fondness for cowboys. They knew how to ride 'em long and hard, and she was all for long and hard.

She devoured him with one long lazy look. His black Stetson was pulled down low on his forehead as though he didn't give a damn about anyone or anything. It didn't help that, for some insane reason, black cowboy hats turned her on.

Oh baby, she was about to make his wet dreams come true. Yee-haw, ride 'em cowboy.
The bartender was forgotten as she locked on target. Destiny slid her hands over her hips nice and slow before sauntering toward him, putting just a little bit of swing in her hips.

This time she would be the one calling the shots. The one in charge. No one would ever control her again like they had when she was alive. She would take what she wanted and to hell with the rest! Literally.

The cowboy watched her every step of the way. She was already wrapping him around her little finger and the poor guy didn't have a clue. She stopped beside him.

"Buy a lady a beer?" she asked. Her words held enough invitation that only an idiot wouldn't guess she wanted more than a beer, and this guy didn't look like an idiot. She slid onto the stool next to his, propping her elbow on the scarred wooden surface of the bar.

Over the haze of smoke, over the smell of alcohol, Destiny caught another scent that weaved its way around her, making her lean in a little closer. It was spicy and held a promise of nights filled with down-and-dirty sex. She could feel the waves of heat radiating off him, curling around her body and wrapping her in a sensual cloud of sexual awareness.

"A beer for the lady," he drawled, breaking into her fantasy and nodding toward the bartender.
His voice sent tingles down her spine. It was just a little raspy-low and sexy.

Cowboy swiveled his stool around to face her and tipped the brim of his hat with one finger so she got a better look at his face: the strong jaw, the slight stubble, and the most intense blue eyes she'd ever encountered.

Destiny had her first mini orgasm, and it felt so fucking great! This guy looked good enough to eat. She was going to enjoy corrupting him.

"What's a cowboy like you doing in a bar all alone?" Okay, that sounded pretty cheesy, but she was a little out of practice; she'd died in 1959.

"Waiting for a woman like you," he replied and again his words caressed her as his blue-eyed gaze drifted lazily down her body before returning to her face. Her nipples tightened.

The bartender set a beer in front of her. Cowboy dropped a few bills on the counter and the bartender left.

She grinned as she took the bottle, her tongue sliding nice and slow around the rim before she brought it the rest of the way to her lips. She tilted the bottle a little and ice-cold liquid slid down her throat. Nice. She'd missed the taste of alcohol.

"So, what's your handle, cowboy?" she asked after she lowered the bottle.

"Chance. Chance Bellew."

"Well, you've just met your destiny." She grinned. "Destiny Carter."

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WITHIN THE SHADOWS OF MORTALS by Rae Lori

WITHIN THE SHADOWS OF MORTALS by Rae Lori

The Ashen Twilight Series Book Two

A new beginning is on the horizon until blood is spilled on their lands once again...

Late on the highway leading to California, a massacre breaks out in the darkness of night ending in the death of a Lycan family. Word gets back to Ariya and Jace in the Aziza Fae realm and they return to see how much has changed since they took their retreat. Mortals have become aware that Nightwalkers, Lycans and Shifter Elves are alive and well in their city. Worse yet, Rich and his pregnant mate, Joanna, have disappeared on the trip from Arizona to California.

Ariya knows that Jace is tired of running and hiding after centuries of living within the shadows of mortals. Now, she must choose a path that will force her to decide whether to help her immortal allies or rule the broken kingdom left behind after her parent's death. Soon, she finds that Jace's presence in the Aziza realm brings an ancient evil to life that only lived in fairytales...until now.

At the same, a group of mysterious hunters begin picking off members of the houses one by one. Soon the house is in turmoil as hunters attack, bringing on a fateful battle between mortal and immortal. Jace's relationship with Ariya tenses and he may end up losing more than his humanity as he straddles the line between revenge and redemption.

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~Excerpt~

“Tell me what your world is like.”

Ariya gazed at the moonlight streaming through the wide window of her room that morning. It had been much too long since this serene calm washed over her. Coming home had been a last minute decision but she was glad when Jace agreed to join her in the Aziza realm. They took their chance for escape during the Ashen Twilight House’s trek across the states to the west coast. Jace’s skin couldn’t take the harsh sun’s rays and live to see the night. It had been a concern she didn’t have to consider previously. Then again she hadn’t been aware of Nightwalkers until recently. Once she fell into the care of the house after escaping her world, a whole other underworld opened up to her. One filled with Nightwalkers, Lycans and Shifter Elves. It was nothing like she had ever encountered. Now her life had taken another dramatic turn once she lost her heart to Jace Archane, Regent in the House of Blood. His uncle Julian wasn’t so pleasant at first and Ariya didn’t exactly extend a welcoming hand herself. Of course a bloodthirsty elemental creature had been after her so hospitality wasn’t exactly high on the list of priorities while running for her life.

Now it was time to return to the beautiful green lands that served as her home. After almost having the life sucked out of her, being nearly beaten to death by a shifter renegade—or Shifter Ren as the house calls them—and passing through the portal of her own demise, Ariya could afford some time to get away from it all and return home to serenity. Before leaving, they promised to meet the members of the Ashen Twilight House in Los Angeles for a new start once she and Jace returned from the Aziza realm. Soon the time would come when they would have to leave the realm and return to the mortal world. For now, she wanted to enjoy every quiet moment together while they had it.

Jace’s cold touch brought her back to the present. His hand wrapped around her chin, gently stroking the skin with his thumb.

She turned back to the bed where Jace Archane, her love, watched her from the soft ivory folds of her bed sheets. He was beautiful. Perhaps the most striking creature she had ever laid eyes on. Dark strands of his wavy shoulder length hair fell over his strong, smooth pale visage. He was in his early twenties at the time of his change; an age he would remain as mortals leave behind their legacy of ashes. He’d always have his charming boyish face with cupid’s bow lips, bright blue eyes and a strong sharp nose. Now she had his undivided attention. His handsome expression was curious, waiting with the question of his words. His muscled chest was bare under the dark red shirt that lay open over the rise and fall of his breathing.

“Soft damp green hills fill every part of our lands with cool springs and large bodies of water in between.”

Jace chuckled. “Sounds like Scotland.”

Ariya nodded, smiling. “It does have similarities. Like with the hunters we assisted when we ventured to Dahomey in the mortal realm. Different worlds yet so much alike.” Her forehead wrinkled with thought. “It was there I noticed that the men were bred to be warriors since the dawn of humans. Here the warriors, my guard, are women. We still have a specialized guard composed of men who stay in the outskirts of our world. But the tradition has always been to keep female guards for the castle.”

“Hmm, well the House of Lycan is the only house structured similarly.”

“But not bred. They’re born into their strength.”

Jace nodded. “You have a point there. So girls grow up to be in the guard?”

Ariya’s shoulder rose in a slight shrug. “Some do, if they wish it.” She waved a hand before poking Jace in the chest. “Anyway, I was describing. The days are longer here than the nights in the mortal realm. They have been since I can remember. We can bring the rain whenever the crops need it. And we celebrate every aspect of life’s changes. From life itself to life passing on, to birth, the changes of the season and betrothals followed by wedded unions.”

Her fingers traced the hard line of his chest as she spoke.

“And what of your betrothal?” Jace caught her finger and looked up at her.

Ariya shook her head. “I never really considered it growing up. I guess I always had my head in the books, learning about the mortal realm. Teaching the young ones and honing my own powers.”

“And then you found me.” A sly smile sneaked across his lips. He lifted her finger and kissed it softly. “Tell me more.”

Ariya shrugged. “There’s much more and yet some of it’s not too terribly interesting.”

“It’s of interest to me. What if an outsider wanted to stay here?”

“I—I don’t know.” She looked away. “I don’t think it’s ever happened before. For a while it was just us and the mortals. Everything else was myth or the inhabitants of our world.” She smiled. “Why do you ask?”

Jace turned away, staring ahead into space as he spoke. A crease formed in the middle of his forehead and his lips thinned into a straight line as he thought. In the silence that followed, he finally looked up at her. The hard gaze melted into warmth as he smiled.

“Curiosity is all.”

Ariya cocked a single eyebrow. “And that’s why you blocked your thoughts from me?”

“Privacy, my love,” Jace said, grinning. Traces of his Scottish accent filtered in and out. She noticed it tended to mix with others, mostly American. Probably due to America being his home for the past few decades.

“You would miss your home if you stayed here,” Ariya said. She meant it more as a question but the statement was clear.

Jace idly ran his hand along her warm, dark skin. “I already miss it. I often wonder what my kids are thinking, even at this very moment. Or my faculty bosses. Do they think I died in the chaos? Or just up and left?” He shook his head. “Not sure which I think is worse.”

Ariya remembered Jace loved to teach. When she first met him, he appeared aloof and full of himself. But as she got to know him, his shell opened and she discovered the love he had for teaching.

“Traveling for so long and seeing so many things can be like inhaling a well of knowledge,” he had once told her. “Like water. Sooner or later that excess has to come out one way or another. I wanted to share mine.” And so it did as he shared his expertise and experience with the college kids—although said knowledge was sold as second hand hearsay or from his reading in books rather than first hand encounters that would reveal his true secret.

“Enough of that now,” Jace said smiling up at her. He slipped his arm around her waist and pulled her close. “I think we’re both in need of a break once in awhile.” His voice grew softer, huskier as he drew near. She anticipated the kiss that lingered in the next moment.

Ariya’s stomach fluttered as Jace’s lips brushed hers. Her eyes closed and only touches remained to overtake her senses. Jace’s strong yet gentle hand moved up her arm, the warmth of his tongue and mouth welcomed her at the same time. How much her life had changed since she fell in love with him. The single act of being in his presence transformed into a magical experience itself the moment her heart became his. No more was he just a man or a Nightwalker she felt drawn to. He was hers, an extension of herself in a way that had broken the barrier of personal space to become a part of her that she was free to touch and love anytime she pleased.

The moonlight in the dark sky had shifted, bathing them in darkness while the room fell in light.

“Taste me,” Ariya said, feeling Jace move to her neck. His grip on her froze.

Morning would be upon them soon, and it’d be awhile before she could feel Jace again. For as the sunlight drew upon the lands, the rise and fall of his chest would cease, his breath would be frozen and death would claim his body.

“You want me to feed upon you, Ariya?”

His breath brushed against her neck as she spoke, his hand caressing the dark curves of her body.

Ariya arched her head to look at him in the shadowy room within the night. Already she could see the bright white shine of his elongated fangs peeking out from between his parted lips. The sight made her heart race, her breath shallow and her wings flutter slightly against her back.

“Yes Jace,” she breathed.

His masculine grip slid down to her hips urging her legs to wrap around his and straddle him.

Jace’s fingers immediately went to the soft gossamer sleeve of her dress. He pulled them down with a controlled urgency that sent her heart racing further. Careful of her wings, he gingerly opened the dress down the front to reveal her dark full breasts.

Ariya sucked in a breath sharply, feeling the brush of his sharp fangs against her soft tender chest.

“I, Jacinus Aurelius Archane, now take you Ariya to be my wife.” His hand slipped behind her back, brushing against her wings before resting against her shoulder blades. “In the presence of God and before the Aziza realm and the mortal world, I promise to be a loving, faithful, loyal husband to you. For as long as we both shall live.”

Ariya grinned, feeling his lips move into a smile once he leaned to kiss her.

“Both technically and figuratively,” Jace added.

Ariya brushed her fingers through his hair, peering down at him. “I, Ariya, now take you Jacinus Aurelius Archane to be my beloved husband and lifemate,” she spoke softly against the crown of his head, cradling him to her chest. “In the presence of Mawu-Lisa and before the Aziza realm and the mortal realm. I promise to be a loving, faithful and loyal lifemate, wife and friend to you, for as long as we both shall live.”

She felt his hand grab hers and raise it up. Despite the darkness, the bright shine of the moonlight shined across her silver ring. The Claddagh ring he had called it. The same piece of jewelry that had belonged to his mother who handed it down to him to give to his own beloved. Ariya remembered the tale he shared when he first placed it on her finger.

When worn as a ring it’s supposed to symbolize friendship and love, he had told her. Jace’s mother had come into contact with the woman who first owned it. Along with the gift came the legend of the goldsmith who molded it for his love. Shortly after, he was kidnapped and taken aboard a pirate ship and thus began their five year separation and still he promised to marry her.

“Thy beauty and brightness/And lightness is going/Under the bonnie brown waves of thy hair/Thy lips red and luscious/And blushes bright glowing/Smote me with love and sweetest despair,” Jace said softly, then kissed the ring. He wrapped his hand around hers so that their rings touched in a quiet clink. “Mo ghaol ort.” I love you.

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A KISS OF ASHEN TWILIGHT

A KISS OF ASHEN TWILIGHT by Rae Lori

The Ashen Twilight Series Book One

Haunted by dreams of a mysterious yet seductive figure, Ariya awakens to a more dangerous nightmare: a vicious elemental creature nearly wiping out her entire family outside her bedroom doors. Her parents urge her to cross over into the mortal realm and there she is saved from another attack against strange shifter wolves. Her rescuer is Jace Archane, an immortal Nightwalker from the House of Blood within the Ashen Twilight House. The very same man from her dreams.

Now the race is on to find out the origins of the elemental creature and stop the horrific killing spree. As they dig deeper into the mystery, they will uncover a truth that ties the elemental's origins to a forgotten ally with plans to overthrow the Archane legacy and obtain Ariya's fairy blood fueling an immortal thirst for power.

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~Excerpt~

“Would you tell me about how you became a—Nightwalker?”

Jace walked to her and sat down next to her, all the while holding her gaze. He leaned in toward her, reaching out to caress her cheek with the back of his hand. My, are you a beautiful vision, gradh.

Ariya’s eyes widened. If she deciphered correctly, she believed he called her love. “I—thank you,” she said, shifting her position.

“So you can read even me now.”

She nodded. “I tried to stop it, but it’s too late now. The elemental that haunts me will eventually find me.”

“But how?”

Ariya swung her legs over to the side of the bed and leaned over. “I don’t know much about it. My father may have known something about the legend and the severity of damage it could cause but he died before I could find out where it’s from or what it will do.” Screams echoed within her memory. In her mind’s eye, she saw her parents hauled into the night air. She quickly replaced the thought of something more pleasant. The creature could now be feeding off her memories and fear if she wasn’t too careful. She felt Jace’s strong, muscled arm wrap around her and a sense of relief washed over her body.

“I won’t let anything happen to you, Ariya,” he said softly. “None of us will. I’ve alerted the Patriarchs to keep watch.”

“How can you kill a creature you can’t see coming?” Ariya’s voice strained with the hint of fear for the answer.

Jace placed his hand on hers and smiled. “Maybe not see but I can makes use of my other senses.”

Just as he said these words, he tenderly caressed her skin with his thumb. She looked up at him and saw a look she hadn’t seen before, until now. Softness covered his face and his eyes warmed in invitation. He leaned in and she waited with the anticipation of his lips upon hers. His mouth was warm, inviting and enticing her to open and allow him entrance deeper into her. Ariya’s body tingled with desire for him. The sensitive area between her legs warmed, she trembled with each caress of his tongue against hers. He slowly moved in closer, wrapping his arms around her and urging her to lie back on the bed. She welcomed his body, finding comfort in the weight crushing down on hers.

“Jace, I—” Her mind fought against her body, tempted to give into the warmth he spread across her.

“Perhaps we can willingly bring him here to fight me, man to man,” Jace said nonchalantly. “So to speak.”

Ariya wasn’t sure if the anger he arose in her was from the mood breaking or his deception into making her think she was wanted by him in those few sweet moments. Either way, she felt rage boiling to the top and before she could calm herself, it escaped her. “This isn’t a game, Jace!”

“I understand that. I also understand that you have to care about someone before you lose them.” He climbed off the bed. “Which should make me pretty safe after all.”

“And what’s that supposed to mean?”

Standing, he then turned and gave a little bow before heading to the dresser to retrieve a large comforter.

“I’ll take the couch in the living room while you rest here.” Jace walked to the bedroom door and placed his hand on the doorknob. “If you need me, I’ll be on a hunt.”

The door closed behind him and she saw the image in his mind; an anticipation for another feed on a beautiful woman he picked up somewhere off the streets. She sat on the bed with the kiss still lingering on her lips and mind. Despite her early words to remain far removed from Jace and his world, she couldn’t help feeling an absence in her heart once he left the room. Consequently, and for a moment, she wondered what it’d be like to be his.

* * * *

Ariya was in deep sleep when the door slowly creaked opened. Her conscious mind didn’t notice the figure in the room though his presence was strong enough to awaken her subconscious. She hovered between the two existences, trying to control the rise of temperature in her body.

“Ariya, don’t be afraid.” Jace’s voice was smooth, deep and inviting. A soft cloud of comfort filled every inch of the room. She stirred in her sleep. “It’s just me.”

Her eyes remained closed but she could still sense him across the room within the darkness.

Jace slowly removed his jacket, tossing it onto the floor. He watched her while he unbuttoned his white, long sleeved shirt, exposing the strong hard lines of his torso underneath. He moved toward her in long sleek steps with the grace of a cunning cat closing in on its prey.

Ariya smiled at the feel of him maneuvering onto her body. She wrapped her arms around him and pulled him down in a kiss. Their mouths mated in a heated passion as his lips moved to claim hers. Their heavy breaths broke the silence of the room. His body writhed against hers and she felt his hand slip down to her thighs, slowly moving closer to the innermost part of her. His body was like liquid fire to her, igniting a passion that had long lay dormant within her. His fingers seemed to hold electricity within him and each touch sent a wave of pleasure throughout her body. He moved toward her warm center, his fingers teasing the opening, driving her to insanity. He broke from her and leaned to kiss her cheek before his lips gently caressed her ear.

“Do you want me, Ariya?” Jace’s voice was like that of soft bell chimes. “Do you want to give yourself over to me?”

Ariya thought of herself in that Shelly girl’s position. Although she couldn’t partake of his blood, she would take of his body and give into the feeling that haunted her since she laid eyes on him.

“Oh, Jace,” she said softly. “I want you.”

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THE VAMPIRE HANDBOOK by P.J. Jones

THE VAMPIRE HANDBOOK by P.J. Jones

THE VAMPIRE HANDBOOK, featuring bonus reads: The Zombie Handbook and the Were-Thing Handbook. No one is spared in this one: The Twilight Saga, Casey Anthony, Justin Bieber, Anthony Wiener, Kim Kardashian and more...

So, after a painstakingly long soul-searching (at least five minutes) and after grappling with the possible fate of your immortal soul (who cares if you're not going to die, anyway), you've decided to become a vampire.
Congratulations!

But before beginning that dark and shadowed journey into a life of eternal damnation, every vampire is required to read THE VAMPIRE HANDBOOK, a short step-by-step guide to becoming a vampire and then adjusting to the bloodsucking lifestyle.

Some of the helpful tips in this handbook include: Rules for Living an Environmentally Friendly and Urbane, Undead Lifestyle, Dietary Restrictions for Vampires, Engaging in Battles with Other Immortals, Rules for Fitting into Society and not Scaring off Potential Meals and much more...

In addition to THE VAMPIRE HANDBOOK, you will also get THE WERE/SHAPE-SHIFTER HANDBOOK and THE ZOMBIE HANDBOOK as well as a few sample chapters from PJ Jone's sparkly vampire parody, ROMANCE NOVEL.

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Excerpt:

ENGAGING IN BATTLE WITH OTHER IMMORTALS
It is not recommended that vampires engage in physical violence with other immortal races, as vampires could get their heads knocked off a, wnd risk the possibility of an eternity in hell. However, as this rarely happens, this advisory is of little consequence. Everyone knows vampires are the most bad-ass immortals alive…er dead. However, should a battle ensue, it’s essential that vampires know the proper procedures for defending themselves.

HOW TO BATTLE WEREWOLVES, OR SHAPE-SHIFTERS, OR WHATEVER IN THE HELL THEY ARE: Since were-animals are usually from the poor, shitty areas of town, it is safe to assume that they are also uneducated and easily manipulated. However, their ignorance can also make them more dangerous. It is highly recommended that every vampire carry several marijuana joints in his/her pocket at all times for this reason. Usually, the were-animal can be easily calmed with a few hits of pot. If drugs do not soothe the savage beast, depending on the size of the monster, the vampire’s best option is to run like hell. Because Hell is exactly where the vampire will be heading if the vampire is decapitated by the animal.

ZOMBIES: Zombies are usually pretty easy to outrun as they walk at an unusually slow pace and vampires have an unnatural ability to run faster than a jackrabbit on speed. Since most zombies have the IQ of a peanut, it’s best to run from them as well. Remember, ignorance is dangerous. No matter how slow a zombie may be, no immortal can top the brute strength of a zombie’s crushing grip.

WITCHES AND WIZARDS: Run like hell from them, too. They can fly really fast on broomsticks and they know magic. Besides, there is a certain witch and wizard saga that is way more literary and entertaining than a certain vampire saga; therefore; you suck. They win. Shut up and run.

ALL OTHER IMMORTALS: Run from them, too. Let’s face it. As a vampire, it’s your job to look sexy in leather pants. You’re attractive. You’re urbane. Do you really want to be on the receiving end of a wooden stake? Probably not. Just get the hell out of Dodge, or PitchForks, or whatever city your pansy ass haunts at nights, and leave the real fighting to the monsters who never get laid.

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